April 3, 2026 | Read Online​

Let’s be Friends!

Last year, my publisher asked me a curious question. “Jay, do you know how long it takes to make a good friend?”

“No idea. But I have a feeling you’re about to tell me.” As I sat in suspense, I had no idea this conversation would send me to the other side of the world.

Todd shared highlights from Jeffrey A. Hall’s research on friendship. Hall is Department Chair and Professor of Communication Studies at the University of Kansas, and his 2018 study held the answer to Todd’s question.

Hall first analyzed 355 survey responses from adults who had recently relocated and were building new friendships. He then followed 112 college freshmen over nine weeks, checking in on two new acquaintanceships at three-week intervals. The two studies create a snapshot of how friendships are born.

Here's the friendship journey, mapped in hours. It takes roughly 40–60 hours to move from acquaintance to casual friend. After 80-100 hours, casual friends transition to friends. And after 200 hours, subjects reported that they had made a close or best friend. College students moved faster to friendship than adults across the board, which makes sense.

What you do in that time together matters, too. Small talk tended to make people more distant over time. Just being together in a workplace, a gym, a club, or a house of worship didn’t really move the needle either. You can work with someone for years and not really know them. Unstructured time together, joking around, catching up, and having meaningful conversations are the accelerators.

Hall shared in an interview the significance of when two casual friends bump into each other and one asks, What’s going on in your life? “That action is meaningful because it says that whatever is happening in your life, I want to bring into the present in my relationship with you,” says Hall. “Consider how many people you don’t bother to ask. You wander into the office, and you say, hey. That’s it.”

Back to my conversation with Todd. He shared that he was planning a trip that was designed to make close friends. He planned to hike the Nakasendo Trail, an ancient mail road from Kyoto to Tokyo. Other than the 8-day route, he had no formal plans. No checklist to mark off. Just walking a beautiful trail and seeing what happened.

Did I want to join him? Yes! Yes, I wanted to go on an epic trip. And more importantly, yes, I wanted to deepen our friendship!

Next week, Todd, myself, and two other authors – Tim and Charlie – fly to Japan to start our friendship hike.

Why does this matter? There is an epidemic of loneliness in entrepreneurship. The business owners I work with don’t just feel lonely – they feel isolated. And the stuff we normally do – seeing people in the office, joining clubs and gym classes, and working on projects – doesn’t seem to work. It’s a Catch-22. Busy professionals default to structured activities.

Friendship isn’t passive. It’s an investment.

We have to lean into low-key moments, be curious, and playful. It’s also some of the most important work we can do. Friendship can be the foundation that keeps us steady in the storm.

One question to ponder in your thinking time: Who is missing from your life?

Make an Impact!
Jay Papasan
Author I CEO I Coach

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